she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
