I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
