I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
