my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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