so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
