my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
