Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Acid is not a monday night drug
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
