he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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