your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Please don't give away my fajitas
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
