Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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