You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
