I didn't shave. On purpose
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
