I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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