Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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