just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
