Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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