I cannot find my penis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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