Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
