My sheets look like a crime scene.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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