i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
