you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
