If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
