he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
