How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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