a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just cropdusted the office
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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