i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
