god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
