I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
