Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
