i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
