Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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