Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
