So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
