i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
