the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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