just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
