dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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