Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
