R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
