We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
