Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
