Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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