So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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