If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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