I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
