6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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