I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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