I CAN MOONWALK!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
