haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Randomize
