Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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