i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
