You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Fuck appropriateness.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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